The Blog with the looking forward

It's nearly the new year. It's nearly 2009. Time to look back on the year that just was and reflect on where it took us, what we learned, what we gained, what didn't work. Time to put those reflections to use in determining where we want to be, what we want.

More so for me is the approaching 40th anniversary of my presence on this earth. Where is my life headed, where do I want to be, what do I WANT. These and many other questions are unanswered. Signs along the way are pointing me in different directions and for once I am at a crossroads and my gut is not telling me which way to go. I have relied on gut feelings for 39.8 years now and all of a sudden it's very very quiet. I feel adrift at sea.

My gut feeling was always the umpire between what my heart wanted and what my head told me I needed. It always had the last and final say. Yet curiously now it is letting my heart and my head go to war. Is this good? Is this productive? NO it's not. I need an answer and I need it NOW.

I have been presented with things I want but know I cannot have. Do I take what I CAN have and be happy with that? Or do I hold off - possibly FOREVER - in the hope that I find something I WANT and can HAVE? Or am I being completely selfish?

Hmmmmp a new year brings more frustration with it than I think I can deal with. Perhaps I will just bury my head in the sand until 2010 - surely things will be fixed by then????

The Blog with the Crying

I cried. A lot. It was so sad, yet uplifting at the same time. I cried at Carson Kressley and his "How to Look Good Naked". I cried for the woman who discovered her inner sexiness. I cried cos Carson makes me laugh and was not with me making ME feel good naked. I cried cos she got lots of money to buy new clothes. I cried cos she got her hair and makeup done professionally.

Then I heard a Christmas carol and that made me cry some more. Peace on earth and Goodwill towards man has never seemed so far out of grasp. Then I cried a little bit more cos for the third year in a row boy child will not have complete family together at Christmas time. I cried cos that's probably my fault. Then I cried cos I couldn't find my non rotating non musical playing fibre-optic Christmas tree. I remembered I stored it at my mum's house and that made me cry some more. For the fifth year in a row Christmas will be without my Dad. And I cried a lot more.

Then I remembered the thousands of people who are worse off than me. The ones who don't have a christmas tree to put up, those that cannot afford to put the presents underneath. Those who have terminally ill children who will spend this holiday at various hospitals around the world praying that their child will survive. I then spared a thought for the hundreds of people gathering at hospices watching their loved ones slowly drift away. Illness does not take a holiday. For the thousands of people who will spend this holiday alone and lonely. And I thanked my God for the gift of my family and my wonderful friends here and in far flung corners of the world who love me. And I stopped crying for myself and the tears were for others......

K

The Blog with Christmas

Christmas is coming.

I just realised. I have managed so far to avoid the reminders on television, in store, in junk mail, even the wailings of boy child in the form of "mum for christmas can I............." did not penetrate the recesses of mind.

It was a rude SHOCK then to hear mutterings of "yes I have my tree up" "yes I'm nearly finished all my shopping"

O
M
F
G

Frantic phone calls to family and I have managed to whittle the gift list down to children only. A few more phone calls and some follow up emails and I have narrowed it further to children of immediate family only. Given that I only have boy child and one niece I am moderately happy with this. One more phone call to my sister though and I think I can break her. At the very least I will do the "I don't know what to get her - YOU buy it and I will give you the money".

The two gifts I have purchased so far I have bought online and had them delivered to my door. I have located fibreoptic christmas tree (that only requires a couple of gold balls, a gold star and an artistically chucked string of gold beads to look like it belongs in a fucking gallery) and have her ready to go.

I have opted for Christmas Emails rather than cards this year. Pity I only have 8 email addresses - ho hum - it's the thought that counts!

The next task on my list is to offer to have Christmas lunch at my house. SHOCK HORROR you say? No there is a definate method to my madness. Given my immediate family is very small (6 in all including boy child and niece) its not THAT huge a deal. Plus because I am so busy working full time, raising a family (*cough*), blogging etc etc - I am confident my Mum will be at the ready to lend a hand and help her daughter out ie doing things like buying the food - cooking most of the food at her house the day before - bringing the food over Christmas morning - you know that type of "mum" help.

So as I was saying - I'm all ready for Christmas this year - yep all organised. BRING IT!

Faaaa la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaa.

The Blog with the IPOD Shuffle

Because I'm bored and because I might have been just a LITTLE curious - what song my IPOD landed on in shuffle mode:-

If someone says, “Is this okay?” you say? "Lean On Me"
Of course.......
What best describes your personality? "Big Shot" Billy Joel
Ha ha ha
What do you look for in a guy? "Wisemen" James Blunt
Which is why I'm still looking..........
How do you feel today? "Beds are Burning" Midnight Oil
Apparently hostile
What is your life’s purpose? "Sway" Michael Buble
Yep thats me........dancing queen
What is your motto? "Beautiful Day" U2
Ok now THIS is true - cos each day IS beautiful
What do your friends think of you? "This is how a heart breaks" Rob Thomas
Riiiiiight
What do you think about often? "Nothing Else Matters" Metallica
air head apparently
What do you think of your best friend? "It had to be You" Rod Stewart
Awwwww
What do you think of the person you like? "Fall at your Feet" Crowded House
But I won't - not this time
What is your life story? "Destination Anywhere" The Committments
eh?
What do you want to be when you grow up? "Fast Car" Tracy Chapman
Yes I want to be an automobile when I grow up
What do you think when you see the person you like? "Smooth Criminal"
Ok so maybe just SMOOOOOTH
What do your parents think of you? "Would I Lie to You" Eurythmics
And I NEVER did..........
What will you dance to at your wedding? "Born to Run" Springsteen
HAHAHAHAHA
What will they play at your funeral? "Crazy little thing called Love" Queen
I need to speak to whomever will be in charge
What is your biggest secret? "Long Day" Matchbox 20
Thats a HUGE secret
What do you think of your friends? "Lonely no More" Rob Thomas
again awwwwww
What is the worst thing that could happen? "Play that funky Music" KC & Sunshine Band
mmmmmm
How will you die? "Fly to High" Janis Ian
*cancels flights*
What is the one thing you regret? "Some Girls" Racey
some FRIENDS this must mean
What makes you laugh? "Goodbye my Lover" James Blunt
Yes I'm getting good at being ditched
What makes you cry? "Forgotten Years" Midnight Oil
*sniff*
Will you ever get married? "Iris" Goo Goo Dolls
Typical I knew I would have to be a lesbian to ever get married again
What scares you the most? "Better Man" Robbie Williams
Yeah ok thats a bit of an omen
Does anyone like you? "Original Sin" INXS
A sinner apparently
If you could go back in time what would you change? "Take me Back" Noiseworks
apparently I'm not telling - just take me back
What hurts right now? "Bittersweet Symphony" The Verve
this is too deep for this time of day
What will you post this as? "And She Was" Talking Heads
I will?
How much has this made you laugh? "Are you Old Enough" Dragon
Toy boy apparently next on list..........

If nothing else I have wasted 15 minutes of my life and realised I need to update my IPOD.

Ciao!

The Blog with the Bone to Pick

I have a Bone to Pick. I have a complaint. Now in the normal scheme of things I would dash to my email program and shoot off a missive of abuse to whomever had inspired my wrath.

God or Mother Nature or that Higher Being I do not believe, although I could be mistaken, have email addresses. Nor are they on skype. No mobile phone number. No home phone number. No fax machine. No PO Box address. I mean in this day and age? Really!

I want to talk to the person in charge of the production line they day they made me. Sombody has a real warped sense of humour and is right at this minute kicking back laughing their arse off at me. I want to know the following things:-

WHY bestow upon a being a love of the outdoors and gardening - and throw in spring/summer/autumn allergies?????

WHY bestow upon a being a love of the beach and the sun (and indeed plonk that person in Australia 5 minutes from the beach) and make her a red head with freckles and pale skin?

WHY bestow upon a being the love of parties, booze, dancing, booze, partying, alcohol, raging, dancing, wine, dancing bare foot, scotch, beer, dancing barefoot until 4 in the morning, cocktails, dancing barefoot until 4 in the morning whilst holding beer and not spilling any, wearing a flouncy skirt and dancing barefoot until 4 in the morning thinking one can legimately dance latin style whilst flicking around flouncy skirt and holding beer and THEN make her suffer for 4 days?

OK so mother nature probably was NOT responsible for that last one - but I figure while I am complaining I might as well just throw that one in.

So if ANYBODY has a address, contact number etc etc where I can forward my complaint - please advise me of same.

K

The Blog with the Tearing

I'm torn. In three different ways. My emotions are letting me down and not leading me where I know my brain says I should go. My heart is leading. This is bad. I'm not sure when my heart got to be in charge of this ship and in fact who the hell put it in charge. There was mutiny in "Kathland" and nobody bothered to inform me?

My sensible brain type being has always had control. But alas, no more. My heart is pulling the strings like I was a 16 year old and common sense "be DAMNED!"

The trouble is I have a lot more to lose than a 16 year old. Will my heart recognise this? Will it make due recalculations based on the 39 year old body it is leading? Or will it, as I suspect, not bother with trival information such as age, mortage, mother of teenage boy etc etc and lead me where temptation is not only rife but where my being longs to be?

Somebody once said "youth is wasted on the young" - I now think maybe "youthfulness is wasted on the middleage" is more the point.

Why am I so scared?

The Blog with the Injury

I have done some stupid things in my time.

Nearly drowned while surfing. Fallen down a spiral staircase. Received internal injuries from a hurdle being set up wrong (ok so that was not MY stupidity - just somebody else's). Knocked myself out cold walking into a door.

All of those stupid things have paled into comparison at what occurred 10 minutes ago.

I was in the kitchen - preparing food. My mind I admit was wandering off somewhere else but how much concentration do you need to prepare a salad? Not like I have not done it 25,000 times before. Get salad vegetables - get knife - chop. It's not exactly brain surgery.

A few minutes into the preparation of said salad I felt the most excruciating pain in my finger. I, for a moment, was too afraid to look. Sure as I was that I would be confronted with 3 gallons of blood and half my finger hanging on by a tiny blood vessel. Hell that was the GOOD scenario - the other part of me imagined having to rummage around in the salad bowl for the severed part of my finger so that microsurgeons could attempt to reattach it. I could have offered the ambulance drivers a nice salad for their trouble?

As all of these things flashed through my mind I was also making plans for having boy child looked after during my extended stay in hospital - work commitments - who would feed Ms. Lynxy Mynx. These thoughts took place obviously within a few microseconds but by the time I steeled myself to look down I had it all planned.

The site that greeted me was an odd one.

My finger was still there. There was no blood. I did find a tiny little thorn from a cucumber sitting daintily on my finger - JUST having broken the skin.

I felt so cheated that I had wasted precious brain power on plans for my surgery and hospital stay that I was sorely tempted to actually cut my fucking finger off on purpose. Also I am strangely let down that I won't be fussed and fawned over.

Obviously I must work on my pain threshold!

K