The Blog with the Birthday

I am staring down the barrel at forty. In February. Six months away. But it's still STARING. And I like to be prepared.

I am actually looking forward to this birthday. Well in comparison to how I felt when I turned 30. When I turned 30 I had a slight meltdown. I had no idea why at the time. I now realise it was because somewhere deep in my subconscious I knew how dreadfully unhappy and unfulfilled I was in my life.

So what does a 30 year old unhappy working mother do? Why she rushes out and gets a tattoo of course! Didn't really matter WHAT the tattoo was but she sure as hell got her some nice ink!!!

The end result was a tiny rosebud surrounded by green leaves on the small of my back. I love it. My issue is that its VERY small and because I am over 25 and dont wear little hipster pants - nobody sees it. My other issue is that although I like the tattoo well enough - it really doesn't MEAN anything special to me. Its just a rosebud.

The thought occurred to me recently that for my 40th birthday I should get another tattoo. I mean why ruin a tradition that has occurred um....once?

So I googled. I love google. Google brings the world to my fingertips. Google had some wonderful tattoo information. Google has advised me of the following:-

"Within Hinduism and Buddhism the lotus flower has become a symbol for awakening to the spiritual reality of life. The meaning varies slightly between the two religions of course but essentially both religious traditions place importance on the lotus flower.

In modern times the meaning of a lotus flower tattoo ties into it's religious symbolism and meaning. Most tattoo enthusiasts feel that the lotus tattoo represents life in general. As the lotus flower grows up from the mud into a object of great beauty people also grow and change into something more beautiful. So the symbol represents the struggle of life at its most basic form.

Lotus flower tattoos are popular for people who have gone through a hard time and are now coming out of it. Like the flower they have been at the bottom in the muddy, yucky dirty bottom of the pond but have risen above this to display an object of beauty or a life of beauty as the case might be. Thus a lotus flower tattoo can represent a hard time in life that has been overcome."

If I searched the internet for the next five thousand YEARS I am not sure I would come up with something more fitting for me than the lotus flower. It's been a damn hard ten years and with my 40th birthday comes a sense of finally being on the right track.

So very soon I will venture once again to my tattooist - and her task this time will be to transform my rosebud into a larger and much more special Lotus Flower. Representing the ten years of soul searching and life changes I have made!

The Blog with the Bragging

I don't often extol the virtues of Boy Child publicly. Quite often that is due to the fact that at 15 he often displays a distinct lack of virtuous qualities. However he is my Boy Child and of course I love him to bits.

Every now and then though I have a complete "mummy meltdown". My mummy meltdowns can be caused by anything from:- remembering when I yelled at him when he was 4 for something he didnt do; remembering times when his podgy dirty little toddler hands would seek mine out because he liked nothing better than holding hands with his mum; his first christmas; first tooth; first EVERYTHING.

I have been in the throws of a mummy meltdown that has lasted about a week now. Dropping him off at the station for school recently I secretly watched him with his friends. I like his friends. For the most part they are good decent kids. They have made many many errors in judgement. Buying condoms in year 7 and blowing them up on their heads at school was not a good choice. Neither was the chili eating competition they partook in. But always - teachers pointing out to me that they are not BAD kids - but just KIDS.

Watching these 15 year olds was like glimpsing into the future at what he will become. The backslapping that men do effortlessly has started already. The casual laughing and joking and confidence they oozed is a sign of things to come and then I realised something. While my parenting days are far from over - in fact are they ever over? - I realise that what I am looking at now is the result of the last 15 years. 15 years of my constantly thinking I am the Worlds Worst Mother. But you know something? I have done a DAMN GOOD JOB!! I am reaping what I sowed and I am loving the result.

So this post is a dedication to my lovely Boy Child. Last week he played in his first ever Football Grandfinal. Unfortunately they lost but its the spirit in which the game was played that's the important thing.

Here is boy child (red hair) being attended to by a trainer for yet another injury!!! Isn't he a handsome thing?

Now if only my damn hormones would level out again I can get back to normal!!!!

Cheers

The Blog with the Guilt............

I have neglected my blogging. I am guilty of Blog Neglect. This in turn creates Blog Guilt. This gets added and tucked away with My space guilt, Email guilt, IM guilt, phone call guilt and last but not least "calling in to see friends for coffee" guilt (I shall refrain from mentioning non vacuuming of floors guilt, ring around bath guilt, boy child wearing underwear inside out and back to front because of non washing guilt and assorted housework related guilt).

I caught the tail end of a psychologist on telly the other day - as I happened to walk past the television which was entertaining ....um.....well nobody - I heard the words "blah blah blah guilt is the most noxious of emotions blah blah blah". Now obviously there was probably more to the sentence but my brain, as it has a habit of doing, only took in what it wanted to hear. It started me thinking.

I have lived with that noxious emotion for the last 3 years. Side by side, right up there with any happiness I had or joy or sadness, was that ever lurking shadow of guilt. The reasons the guilt was there really isn't a story for this Blog by suffice to say it overtook my life. My actions on a day to day basis were controlled by this emotion. I was held captive by it to the point it almost overtook my very existence.

I had reason recently to tell a friend "you must get rid of the guilt - it will kill you". I only realised then that it very nearly had done that to me.

Something has shifted for me over the last few weeks. No one event made this happen but rather a chain of things that set in place a reaction that I could feel was, whilst not removing it, containing it. Squishing it up into a little box - right there in my brain with all the rest - but CONTAINED. I can sort of make out what could possibly be that elusive light at the end of the tunnel. There is so much more work to be done for me to make it out the other end of that tunnel but I feel more confident than I have for a very very long time that I am capable of making that journey.

Each epic journey starts with but a single step right?

K

The Blog with the School Report

Boy Child's school report for half year came home around 4 weeks ago. I read it - drank wine after reading it - lied about it to people - then put it away never to see the light of day again.

However today, for some odd reason, I mentioned a comment from the report - and it made me laugh. It made me REALLY laugh. So much so that I raced home and pulled boy child's report out from storage and laughed and laughed. So if it is ok with the two people who actually read the crap that I write - I would like to share with you.

"Discovery" (new age term for maths and science) - Boy Child (obviously they used his real name - they don't actually call him Boy Child - but names and places have been changed to protect the innocent - can you tell I have been drinking whilst blogging?) um Has demonstrated good understanding blah blah blah he should ensure "assessment tasks contain the necessary depth of analysis" HELLO? the child is a MALE!

"Communication" (new term for English and everything else) Boy Child needs to improve on time management skills. Like - don't we ALL?

"The Writings on the Wall" - (his graffiti elective - I kid you not) Oh he excelled - fabulous I will make sure I bring said report to police station when I have to bail him out.

"Cabinet Making" - well he got good scores - I still dont see no cabinet that was made?

"Sport and Advance Sport" We love Boy Child - The sun shines outta Boy Child's Bottom - he is a born leader AND follower and we just want 25 Boy Childs in our class. (they are so gonna have him on their doorstep for Christmas)

"Living Experience" Mmmmm Boy Child had some issues here. He could not concentrate on task at hand (he is male afterall), he needs to utilise his time more effectively (not that he is training to be a man and spend all afternoon in his garage or anything) Boy Child could improve his results by asking teachers for help (HA like men asking for directions?) He has displayed limited understanding of employment and living convetions (um hello? the child is 14) He exhibits limited knowledge of household budgeting, job application and interviewing (did I mention the fact that he is 14? most ADULTS can't fucking budget a household let alone hold a job down!) On the up side he WAS well presented (in WHOSE eyes was this judged I would like to know?) and has an explemplary work ethic - pity he can't actually get a fucking job with his shit interviewing skills!

OK so at the end of the day I have had a GREAT belly laugh at the crap that goes into reports - I am sure some teacher out there will take me to task - but HONESTLY do we REALLY want our 14 year olds to know how to budget a household? I know personally I would prefer him to know how to have FUN - as he is STILL a child.

She'll be right!!!!

The Blog with Day Three..............

Achievements made over the last 72 hours:-

Have not smoked
Have ingested so many litres of water am now spying webbing between my toes
Have eaten only healthy non fattening non tasting wholesome food
Have reduced caffeine intake by 80%
Have increased exercise from zero minutes a day to 50 minutes a day
Have reduced alcohol consumption by 50% (sobs)

What the freaking hell was I THINKING???????????????