The Blog with the looking forward

It's nearly the new year. It's nearly 2009. Time to look back on the year that just was and reflect on where it took us, what we learned, what we gained, what didn't work. Time to put those reflections to use in determining where we want to be, what we want.

More so for me is the approaching 40th anniversary of my presence on this earth. Where is my life headed, where do I want to be, what do I WANT. These and many other questions are unanswered. Signs along the way are pointing me in different directions and for once I am at a crossroads and my gut is not telling me which way to go. I have relied on gut feelings for 39.8 years now and all of a sudden it's very very quiet. I feel adrift at sea.

My gut feeling was always the umpire between what my heart wanted and what my head told me I needed. It always had the last and final say. Yet curiously now it is letting my heart and my head go to war. Is this good? Is this productive? NO it's not. I need an answer and I need it NOW.

I have been presented with things I want but know I cannot have. Do I take what I CAN have and be happy with that? Or do I hold off - possibly FOREVER - in the hope that I find something I WANT and can HAVE? Or am I being completely selfish?

Hmmmmp a new year brings more frustration with it than I think I can deal with. Perhaps I will just bury my head in the sand until 2010 - surely things will be fixed by then????

The Blog with the Crying

I cried. A lot. It was so sad, yet uplifting at the same time. I cried at Carson Kressley and his "How to Look Good Naked". I cried for the woman who discovered her inner sexiness. I cried cos Carson makes me laugh and was not with me making ME feel good naked. I cried cos she got lots of money to buy new clothes. I cried cos she got her hair and makeup done professionally.

Then I heard a Christmas carol and that made me cry some more. Peace on earth and Goodwill towards man has never seemed so far out of grasp. Then I cried a little bit more cos for the third year in a row boy child will not have complete family together at Christmas time. I cried cos that's probably my fault. Then I cried cos I couldn't find my non rotating non musical playing fibre-optic Christmas tree. I remembered I stored it at my mum's house and that made me cry some more. For the fifth year in a row Christmas will be without my Dad. And I cried a lot more.

Then I remembered the thousands of people who are worse off than me. The ones who don't have a christmas tree to put up, those that cannot afford to put the presents underneath. Those who have terminally ill children who will spend this holiday at various hospitals around the world praying that their child will survive. I then spared a thought for the hundreds of people gathering at hospices watching their loved ones slowly drift away. Illness does not take a holiday. For the thousands of people who will spend this holiday alone and lonely. And I thanked my God for the gift of my family and my wonderful friends here and in far flung corners of the world who love me. And I stopped crying for myself and the tears were for others......

K